Hello Kitty officially scares the crap out of me.
I mean, it's one thing to take over the small minds of eager children who have, let's face it, nothing positive to offer. I can also understand your God-like manipulation of a teenager's wallet. I could even forgive the scamming of middle aged women who can't understand that they are no longer cute. But babies?

This is a picture of the new Hello Kitty themed maternity hospital. The whole hospital. Every baby, every room, Hello Kitty.

C'mon, let them at least have two minutes out of the womb before we barrage them with your luck and adorability. Let them know a world where their food comes promo free. I bet you even have the Hello Kitty breast pump in that teeny room, you sneaky little kitten. Why don't you just come up with tattoos on the inside of their eyelids so they can think of buying your products in their sleep? Wait. Don't do that. I was just kidding. I take it back. I'll buy more stuff this year, I promise. Just leave the babies alone.

I guess it's too much for me, in this commercialized society, to think that they wouldn't target the next generation. Even if it is before they are able to speak. They know we are just getting older and losing patience with their saccharine cat. But, really. Just shoot me when Joe Camel delivers your kid, okay? Seriously, I won't be mad, right in the face.

Until that time I will force myself to use the Hello Kitty contraceptives I got and encourage you all to do the same.

I just found out that kangaroos don't fart or burp. Instead of methane their fermentation hydrogen byproduct is turned into acetate and recycled for more energy. They are considered to be the next "greener" animal to farm and eat. Also, scientists are looking into the process of transferring the bacteria responsible from kangaroos to cows.

Why not us? Why wouldn't we try it too? The amount of energy that each person could provide, well, I can only speak for myself, is limitless. I don't know about you people, but I want to sit in that room that is heated and lit by my former farts and burps. I want to hear the echoes of children feasting on dinners cooked by their family's digestive tract. I want, no I need, this circle of life.

The greenhouse gas effect is 23 times greater with methane than with carbon dioxide. Yet, here we are, pointing fingers at defenseless animals and blaming them for this tragedy. Oh no, we do not break this wind that you speak of. We do not eject air reflexively. We could not possibly be partly responsible for whatever it is that all this means to our Earth's future. (I really have absolutely no clue)

Wake up people. No cow is going to invent a way to transmit these bacteria to you. It's your life, your body, your choice. Now go hug a Kangaroo. Be pro choice. Look, this one in the picture is saying, "hey you, get in the jacuzzi, its fine in here".

Ha
Me=2 Cow=0

I apologize, faithful readers, for allowing my sickness to create such a long hiatus. I was, sadly, peeing from my butt-hole and pooing from my mouth. It is, I can safely say, the least fun thing to do with your day. It also makes communicating with the public barely tolerable and piddles away at your sense of humor.

I like that word, Piddle. I was looking for whittle and the thesaurus gave me Piddle. I don't even think it fits in the context of the sentence, but, I am positive that I will somehow work it into every sentence that I have from now to my piddling end. Ah, here it is, Piddle: to dawdle, putter, and, oh good, urinate. Um, I guess that makes sense, until my urinating end.
So I thank you for coming back to my piddling blog and helping me realize my piddling purpose once again.
I piddle you all.

A 38 year old female firefighter, Cindy Economou, from Port St. Lucie, Fla. was arrested for stealing a foot from a crime scene. Cindy said she needed the appendage to train her cadaver dog.
The police arrested her with only second degree theft because the warrant listed the foot's value at under $100. This is only punishable by a maximum 60 days in jail.
“I think the issue here for everyone was unfortunately the value of the foot,” said Lt. Tim Frith, FHP spokesman. “This particular bizarre incident involving a body part is not listed in the statute as far as specifying it, so therefore it would relate back to some type of monetary value.”

The craziest part is Mr. Lambert is still alive and wants his foot back. He is wheelchair ridden since the accident, but maintains the right to his property.
However, $100? It seems that a foot should be worth a whole lot more than a clean Benjamin, right? I looked at the http://www.oneplusyou.com/bb/cadaver website to determine my own foot's worth, since no one should trust Florida police or any part of its judicial system. Sadly, I am only worth about $5200, my whole body, head to toe. On the plus side, I have calculated my foot's worth at almost $321. Not what I had hoped, but way more than Mr. Lambert's, and sometimes that's all you need.

I have been really sick for a couple of days and I thought it would make me feel better if I just put up some of the coolest pics in the world. A friend of mine sent me the ape and shark pic to blog about, seeing as it is the greatest high five ever.
Then I got to thinking. Batman with shark nun chucks is pretty damn cool too. Also, if your name was Batman and Superman? What could be greater? You know, I always thought that I wouldn't have kids. They steal your money and your dreams. But, if I had one and named it Batman Superman, that is a dream.

This picture confirms my suspicions that fisting is really difficult to do to someone. I mean, unless you have a collapsible wrist, you're gonna need someone there to be your spotter. Like this lady who is trying to talk her friend through this ordeal. She is saying, "I know it's the flat end and it's going to make it harder, but, use your whole body weight as well as hers."

Apparently, schools are taking more liberal views towards sex ed these days.

I say good for them. That is one way to encourage a lack of teen sex. We should openly criticize and judge the way they are doing it. Any time they are in a sexual position they will instantly have the echoes of every gym teachers pitying shouts of, "you're doing it all wrong." Plus, there are always going to be the ones that "show off" so you will know who to look out for teen pregnancy. I'm all for the open dialogue and hands on approach to academia. This can only be a step in the right direction for teens and the future.

Still, fisting? Oh, well. Who am I to judge the kids of today? It looks tricky girls, practice, practice, practice.

I wanted to do something special showing exactly what President's Day means to me, but, these guys beat me to it. These are artist's representations of how glorious it is to be one of the few American's that can call themselves, Mr. President. You are held in such high regard that even the unicorns come out just to massage you and let you ride on their magical backs.
If someone had shown me these pictures in school, instead of the sad mournful pictures of past presidents, I could have become President.
Now, sadly, I can only dream of what other occupations there are that have a giant mythical creature who will embrace me too.

I have explained my love for the MMA in earlier posts. I think today I realized why I have so much respect for the fighters. It's because, basically if you throw in titty twisting and pulling hair, my sister and I pretty much invented this whole sport.

It really is a chess game you end up playing. Keeping your head sharp while defending yourself against mind numbing blows. Your constantly thinking, "Does she care she'll get grounded if she hurts me?, Will they ground her if I die?", and then the stark fascination with, "I don't think she cares either way, this is how I die".

I'm pretty sure that's how they feel in the ring. I know I'll never forget the first time I ever hit my sister as hard as I could in the face. I hurled my clenched fist back and landed one clean smack on her jaw. She barely flinched. All I remember thinking is, "nooo you were supposed to fallll." She kicked my ass that day.

Rachel, if you're reading this, please don't hurt me.

Good times, my worthy opponent.

You know I have this "Jesus saves" bumper sticker that I was , until now, unsure whether or not to put on my car. It was just the other day that I found it. And here He is, less than a week later, with his answer to my question.
Thanks Jesus, you sure work fast!

Today is Valentine's day. I want to wish everyone some flowers, candy and dinner, as is the custom. You can pretend this is the card that you got because I truly love each and every one of you. My hope is that someday we can all express this love in a deeper more connected way, like this man in the picture. He really has true love and is not afraid to show it to the world. My, how we have grown as a civilization, that we embrace killer whale passion. You can see clearly from the photo that he is no fighter.

I have a lot of ideas for this world. A lot of them are perverted and sexual. I am really hoping that Valentines people see this and support me in my quest. I know that whale guy does. All we need is a tiny, tiny bit of respect and a whole lot of patient tolerance and understanding. This is a great big planet and enough animals to go around.

Although, we may have a latex shortage.
But, we will bridge that gap when we come to it people. Everyone just get on board and give your Valentine a little pet for me too.

A company in New Delhi is reporting that they will be marketing and selling cow pee as a soft drink. The company is tired of the "corrupting" western influence on their product selection. The urine itself is considered to be as sacred as the cow and is revered for its medicinal properties.

I can't help but think that, somewhere along the lines, their word for sacred was confused with our phrase, "triple dog dare you". I don't care if world peace is flowing out of a cow's penis or vagina I am not putting it in my mouth.

However, if you believe in the miracle properties of urine, I have a lot that I have been apparently just wasting away. It runs clear most of the time but with the new vitamins I've been taking it can be fluorescent yellow. This can only be a sign of good fortune and prosperity.

I feel the need to defend my human pee as superior to that of these Holy Bovines. Health critics have argued for years that we should not even be drinking cow mucus, I mean milk, over the human supply. But, sadly, women have refused for centuries to be strapped and milked by machines. Truly a devastating decision for the world. Women are said to be the life givers, the people who swear there would be no war if they were in charge. Rubbish. Here is the perfect example of where they could stand up against the evil dairy empire and win. C'mon ladies. Band together. Soon enough they will invent the "comfort suckler". I imagine it as a hollow baby with a vacuum pump for a mouth and a long endless tube for its anus that will feed into the Earth's milk supply. Ah, that brave new world.

Until then, I assure you that my human pee is way better than cow pee.

You have my word...Cows can't do that. Ha.
Me=1 Cow=0

This is the new t-shirt for P4CM. P4CM is the, "passion for Christ movement". They promote these shirts for people who have struggled and eventually overcame their masturbation problem. On the web site he quotes, well, God apparently, with, "Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? Certainly-but only within a certain context. It's good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder.'

Signed,

God."

This is literally taken off their page. Signed God? Wow.

Apparently, it also, "brings shame and is addictive., MASTERbation will MASTER you! You enter into a contractual agreement with it and it will govern your life sexually. It will rule and control your life...it taps you on the shoulder 3 o'clock in the morning even when you don't want it. You want to stop but you can't. You cry, you repent and say you won't do it any more but you find yourself molesting yourself again..."

Okay. My number one issue here is that none of these people are "non-masturbators", right? They have all been sinners in the eyes of God. Maybe God gave you this ability so that you wouldn't be out looking for a random leg to hump? Maybe, in a time before Darwin, we had this talent so we could naturally select mates based on compatibility and not raging hormones? Maybe it feels good because it is good for you and your species?

I've never cried about it though.

Does it really make people cry?

Maybe you're doing it all wrong. Try surprising yourself first. A little movie. Nice dinner. Oh, are those flowers? Yeah, nice and easy. If it hurts, stop, ask yourself what could be better, different. Create the open dialogue. Paint your finger nails, come in from behind. Your hand is your friend, treat it that way.

Also, how big is this guys wang for it to be tapping him on the shoulder? Maybe he has a whole other set of issues he needs to work out first.

Peta has started another campaign to get us to stop eating things that have heart beats. This time they are after saving fish. As you can see from the above banner they have decided that if they call them "sea kittens" people will realize that they are as cute and lovable as kittens.
Wrong. People eat cats all the time. Every time I am in Chinatown I have a sneaky suspicion that the 30 cent pork roll doesn't really have pork at all. I do want to mention that if it is cat then cat is delicious.
So now Peta has me thinking. I like the taste of fish. If they really are the kittens of the sea then maybe I should really be more open minded about tasting some cat. Also, the bones are way bigger so they would be easier to pick through. Plus, more meat than on a little fishy. And, you can control what the cat is eating so your guaranteed healthier meat.
So, thank you Peta! In the long run, I think you won me over. I am going to stop eating fish meat for awhile. I think they have convinced me to take another look at these "land kittens" and see what's cooking.
If you have recipe suggestions, feel free...

Falling is always funny. It is never not funny. It is not something that typically happens, nor is it something you can plan.

Although, fake falls can also be very funny.
Especially if they do indeed have an unsuspecting victim that falls with them. Usually, if I come across the occasion when I do fall, like in sports, skating or drinking, I try to take the closest person out with me. Preferably, throw them under my person to soften said blow. Like this guy did in the picture.

Anyway, what I love most is the mid air, "holy shit, this is gonna hurt" face. It's a beautiful mix of terror without pain and the silent resignation of nothing else to do but take one for the team. However, the huge muff dive that he is taking to the face here may not be who's team he's necessarily on but it doesn't matter, you're on a team. That's what matters.

You're helping us by letting us laugh and point at you. Not because you hurt yourself, but because we all know where you are coming from, okay? That sweet giddy exhilaration of being airborne turned in to, I hope I didn't just break my wrists, euphoria.

Pure comedy, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, go out there and get the pain meds you deserve for being one of the team! Um, a team, no, I mean, your team, whatever team you wanna be on. Go get 'em! Er, the pain meds, not the team.

This thief was startled by an alarm that he had triggered while trying to get back out of an East London museum he was burglarizing. As a result he slipped and, well, you can see what happened.
He then screamed until a man driving by heard him and alerted police. When the police arrived they had to saw the 30cm of steel from the fence in order to free him safely. The spike was later removed and found to have damaged his rectum as well as his intestines.

I mostly like this story because I think that this is the first time ever in the history of all ER's that they have heard the, "I slipped and fell on it", story and it was true.

This gentleman, George Bartusek, of Cape Coral, Fla. was arrested outside a grocery store for having a "threesome" with the two blow up dolls pictured. Nearby witnesses complained of him, "masturbating and 'aggressively kissing' the dolls".

Okay, George, so you're super horny, and after blowing up these two babes you feel like you can't wait until you get home to satisfy yourself. The manager comes out because there is a crowd gathering around your car. He asks you to stop and you refuse, to which, the manager calls the police. When the cops address you, you stumble but say you're buying clothes for the dolls at a nearby store.

Yes. Good answer.

I'm okay with all of this. So far, I get it. More importantly, I get you, mister man. Having a little fun in the parking lot? Who among us can say we are not guilty of this victimless crime? As for the crowd of people who gathered, I say, if you don't like what's going on in this car move on to the next one. Change the channel. Get off your soap box before your kids learn to cover their own eyes.

But, there's one thing that I don't really understand. I think we need to talk about it, seriously.
How many Reese's peanut butter cups can you eat? There are, like, three packages on the dash board alone. And, I notice that they are the fun size, no doubt the "normal" serving size doesn't satisfy you anymore. Who knows how many more are in there, in your car, in your heart. I'm worried about you, Candyman.

Binge eating is not something you should be taking lightly. It's a downward spiral. You don't want to be associated with an eating disorder, do you? Have some pride man. Get your finger out of your throat and into some nice warm dinner. You gotta take this disease by the reigns and drive it right out of you. Acceptance is the first part of recovery.

There, there, isn't that better? I think I speak for a lot of people out there when I wish you a speedy recovery.
I'll never forget you Candyman. No matter what.

What I really like about this picture is the guy right behind him trying to take the sign away. He's whispering, "wrong rally".
Well, I'm with the guy in the foreground. I hate juice. It's all fake sweet and full of carbs that I can't have and it's because everybody knows if you don't put sugar in real fruit juice it taste like crap.
No, really. Have you ever had cranberry juice? Real cranberry juice? No?
Okay, um, go stand next to a chair, not the front but the back part of the chair, now punch yourself in the throat and, just when you hit and your watery eyed, hurl the chair into your stomach.
That's what real cranberry juice tastes like.
Maybe the other juices can get away with "flavor", I don't know, I kinda stopped trying after cranberry. But, I think I have enough information to say yes, yes, mister sign carrying man, I hate juice too.

The New York Times has published an article saying there will be a love vaccine invented in the near future. A drug that will enable you to practically choose who you would want to fall in love with and not rely on purely sexual or Neanderthal instincts. It also says that drugs like oxycontin, prozac and vasopressin already numb the mentioned brain receptors making it less likely for you to cheat on your spouse or loved one.

Now, wait just an oxycontin picking minute. Are they saying that I am with someone that, given the proper state of mind, I would never have chosen? That I should "test" these drugs out to see if I would still like the person I am with without the raging primordial ooze telling me what I should be doing? Also, what the hell is vasopressin? Those two other drugs, well, we all know what they do, right? They make you happy internally so that it dulls the need to find happiness externally. But, vasopressin? Apparently, it is an anti diuretic, it dehydrates you and puts pressure on your heart. I think that will give you a whole lot more to think about than trying to get laid.

Honestly, except for the last drug, these other drugs are all given to people who need help psychologically. Listen to me, I've taken them all. Oxycontin is the last resort pain medication for terminally ill patients. I'm surprised that they would even correlate the lack of bar hopping and mingling to the drug. In truth, from my experience, lifting and holding beer is extremely difficult while on oxycontin. And honestly, prozac is used for severely depressed, OCD, Bulimics, and people with panic disorder. Which is, of course, a veritable garden of who is clubbing and laying their mack down.
Unless these doctors are clinically studying these drugs as recreational use, like I have, there really is no understanding if they work as a "commitment pill" or if the people are just fucked up from the start.
I think they should correlate the drugs with how they solve the real problem. No one wants to drink booze on any of these drugs. Booze clouds your judgment and you become stupid and slutty. I think we can all agree on this common denominator. Now I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure that I have the most correct theory going.
If you need me to fix world peace or something just email me and I'll think about it.

It has been brought to my attention by a diligent reader that no one has really touched upon the subject of how much it would literally suck to smoke weed with Mr. Phelps. It goes without question that he has an enormous lung capacity. As the reader wrote, "like that of a blue whale", which is a lot, let me tell you.
But, as much as I think he would smoke all your weed in one mighty breath, there is a much, much bigger issue here.
Who is his dealer?
How did they meet? What do they talk about? Does he even have a dealer? Does he need a dealer? Can I be his dealer?
You would make so much money. Those lungs, that huge amount of disposable income.
If your reading this Michael I think we should meet. Just see if we even get along first. No strings attached. You have so many gold medals. If anyone deserves to rest on their laurels and take it easy it's you. Don't let these idiots tell you that you have an image to uphold or that this makes you a bad role model. On the contrary Mr. Phelps, this has made you a little more approachable in my eyes.
Listen, people didn't follow The Dead around for the show nor do they adore Snoop Dogg for his devastating good looks and amazing acting skills. This is a whole new demographic your pulling from here. I think maybe it's time to expand your horizons. Look for a new way to represent yourself. You already did the win every medal thing.

Hey, c'mon, do we have to wait four more years to see you in your glory again? I say make your own choices and the people will follow. I think you are about to see how so many of us are on your side.
Like I said, give me a ring. We'll talk.

I'm sure everyone has seen this strange man trying to smuggle carrier pigeons, their eggs and some seeds from Dubai to Australia. Frankly, they couldn't have picked a worse species to propagate. Why birds? They're loud and annoying. They are no fun to pet. They don't play fetch. And...
Oh, wait. Yes they do. Especially these birds. Carrier pigeons (are Dubai's better than ours?) are smarter than the average bird, or dumber depending on how you look at the situation. I mean if your really lazy and, say, don't want to ever get out of bed let alone run an errand for a friend. Then these birds are probably pretty stupid to you.

Carrier pigeons are known to be easily trained to, well, carry. But now there is a whole movement to have the pigeons carry drugs for you and even cell phones to inmates in Brazil. Also, Bosnian prisoners were testing positive for drugs that they linked to an inmate breeding and training pigeons.

So this poor guy is stripped at the airport. He's 23 years old and he's got the Hasbro version of a starter kit for a drug dealer. Like the lame version though. The one that no one wanted but you felt really bad for the kids that had to sport it like it was the real thing so you just pretended along with me? Er, them. Anyway, he's facing up to ten years in jail or $70,000 in fines. If he would have had drugs instead of the starter kit he could face up to 20+years in jail and $70,000+ in fines.

Wait a minute.

This guy is a genius. He faces customs bullshit but no real devastating drug charges.

Let's see, two carrier pigeons. A couple eggs. Some seeds. I think you can just go take a pigeon. There are no adoption laws around them or groups that fight for their survival. Heck, if the prisoners can be suave enough for the birds, so can I. Now the eggs should come in due time because, well, you know, they do it. Does anyone know how to check the gender of a pigeon? Also, I am sure I have some seeds around here somewhere. I'm all set. Let's not get too greedy here folks. I know it sounds easy but we have to lay low. Keep our cool. Stay within the borders, no strapping them to your legs. It just looks bad for the rest of us, you know?

A surgeon has performed the worlds first donor kidney removal through a vagina.

That's right. He allowed her to give birth to her own kidney so that she could donate it to her niece. The operation is said to be much less painful than when they would slice through your back with a rusty steak knife and spoon out what they needed.
I like the whole idea and I mean what could be more sanitary than a woman's vagina, right? Well, what disturbs me is the fact that the surgeon in question, Kalloo, has said that more than 300 such surgeries have been performed worldwide, mostly gall bladder and appendix removal through the mouth, anus and vagina.

Now give me a break. They are just looking for a hole aren't they? No discrimination whatsoever? C'mon guys. It's truly a pity. I really felt like we were going for one of those great movie moments where we all realize that, of course, that is where donor kidneys should come from, because that's where we all come from, you know?
But no, no, these hole whores just want it all. You really are just playing God now. I hope that makes up for the hole your trying to fill in your life, mister surgeon man. Your dad wanted you to be better than the salesman he was, but, look at you. Standing there with your mask on. Who are you really hiding from, huh?
I can't take this. I'm out.
Vaginas are sacred, you fools.

Editor's Note: The Vagina isn't clean. A plastic bag is placed as lining to protect, "the donated kidney from contamination by bacteria and other organisms in her vagina."
Vagina, vagina, vagina.

The "news" is reporting that Bobby Brown is expecting his fifth child with his fourth baby momma.
This is utterly ridiculous. What about the Whitney/Bobby reunion that everyone was talking about? Let's get serious here folks. Being Bobby Brown was quintessentially the best reality show of all time. I have always said that if you put two meth heads in a house and just watch them it will be pure entertainment.
Whitney and Bobby proved this to be so true.
Although the show only ran for one season it remains very dear to me in my heart. Who can forget the time Bobby revealed that Whitney had been so constipated from drugs that he had to "reach up in there" and grab the poo out for her. Ah, to which she replied, "that's black love".
Now, I can only go on with the echoes of "hell to the no" as my sole comfort. With the yelling of "kiss my ass" to my neighbors in hopes that they too have been moved by the reality that is Being Bobby Brown.

I just looked at this photo and couldn't help but think that this man is the luckiest son-of-a-bitch in the universe.
However, it turns out that Daniel John Lyons, 34, was trying to commit suicide by hurling his car off the monuments cliff in Colorado. He was recently accused of molesting a 4 year old child.

I'm so glad he didn't die. I can't wait until he gets acquainted with all his new cellmates. I think he really didn't see the light at the end of his tunnel. Oh, wait. That would be the cellmates shoving a flashlight up his ass. He probably wouldn't see that would he?
Maybe he should concentrate more on how well respected child molesters are in the jail community. I'm sorry. I'm giddy. I'd like to thank whomever made this possible. Whatever great source stopped that vehicle in time. Whoever prayed that that man would see a million of himself on his back in his lifetime. General motors, you deserve a little applause here too.
By the way, it's not gone completely unnoticed that he had a pervert van. So cliche.

This may very well be the dumbest slogan in the world. As opposed to the people that don't breathe? It's damn near close to racism if you ask me. All the "breathers" out there showing off their skill and sucking in all the air from the rest of us. Daring to tempt the gods by training their lungs to be swifter and more efficient.
I bet Lance Armstrong uses one of these devil contraptions. He sucks the most air of any human being I know. Selfish bastard. Who does he think he is anyway? Like, king of everyone who breathes? I can't stand people who are like that. Thinking their all king-like. Stomping around, breathing just because you can. Jeez, he's ridiculous. Embarrassing really. Go home, Lance, okay? No one wants you at this party. Just get on your bike and go.