bear trap

I am so sorry that I have not written in ages. I am moving out of my house and planning a month long hiking trip. I am hoping that the person that I am going with knows that if there is a tiger about to maul me (like the man in the picture) they should first, put down the camera, second, alert me(the maulee), so I can run faster than them away from the hungry tiger. I should also point out that I would like this warning for bears, gorillas, sharks, jellyfish, just about any drunk girl, um, spit balls, and, finally, Carrot Top.
I would like to say that I am trying my best through all of this to post whenever insanity levels brew beyond recognition. Whenever tolerance of human beings are at an all time low. Whenever I freaking feel like it.
We'll be in touch.

urine my face

Ah, cow urine, here we are again.

This gentlemen belongs to the Dinka, a group of tribes located in southern Sudan, and this is how they dye their hair.

You would think that they would be smart, like the people in India, and collect the urine to drink as well use as a styling substance. Then maybe they could add different scents to the urine or pretend that they were putting something on their heads other than cow pee.

Look at me, so Americanized. At least they have the dignity to not lie to themselves like we do with our distasteful products. I'm sure I know where my placenta shampoo comes from but there is no part of me that wants to hold my head under a birthing...okay...I can't even say it. See my point?
So bravo to the Dinka for being true to yourselves. You will always hold your head up high, um , except when you stick it under the cow so it can piss on you.

What I want to know is how did cows become so holy? How did the dumbest animal on the planet convince people all around the world that it is divine?

I guess that if you count drinking the urine, it sort of converted water into something else, not wine, but hey, different. Also, we eat just about every part of the animal, so, body of Christ and all that. Huh, maybe cows are the second coming of the Lord.
It all makes so much sense to me now. The cow is a passive, peaceful creature. It serves us in any way we desire with no judgment or dismay. It asks for no more than food and water and the Dinka boys to blow on its private area.

No joke. National Geographic showed me that the Dinka boys also "stimulate" the female cows during the dry months in order for them to keep producing milk. That's their job, well that and hand carrying around cow poo every morning. Somehow, I don't think Jesus would want little boys blowing on his genitals like these kids do. I'm not entirely sure but I think that there is something written against this in the bible. Remember how angry they all got with those priests a few years ago? Yeah, it's definitely talked about in that thing.
So maybe the cow isn't the second awakening, but you see how easy it is to get sucked into those big doe-like eyes, right?
You were all with me for a second. Admit it.

Me=3 Cow=1

gastric brooding frog

This picture gives me nightmares. This is a Gastric brooding frog. She swallows her eggs and then her body turns off her production of hydrochloric acid until the tadpoles leave her belly and birth out of her mouth. Scientists haven't been able to find the species since the 70's and believe it to be extinct. They are still searching in hopes that the study of the frog will lead to a cure for stomach problems, such as ulcers.

Don't you see people? Don't you see that they ate themselves extinct? AHHHH!! She couldn't turn it off. She tried, oh good lord how she tried. But she ate them, and they were good. So they grew hungry for the taste, the taste of their own flesh, and then they went mad, mad I tell you! Oh, the agony. Oh, the salty wart filled tears. You are forgiven froggies, go to the great big flashlight in the sky, that's it, go on.

Still though, it doesn't stop my nightmare where my mom is 40 feet tall and tying a napkin around her hungry neck, licking her lips as I realize I am the hot dog in the roll she is about to lift to her mouth.

Stupid Mother Nature, scaring me. I'm not out there, in the wild, sneaking up on her and messing with her head. But maybe I will. Maybe I'll put all my liquids into aerosol cans, stop recycling or vote only Republican, you never know. Two can play at this game.

Eyes in the back of my head, Lady.

Golden Newt Ball

I went camping this weekend and witnessed the little California newt in action. I thought, as you may be thinking now by the picture, how adorable that they all get together and hug for warmth. My heart was alive with the joy of the wild. I smiled and pointed out to my friend how lucky we were to be witnesses to such beauty. He said, "no, that's a newt ball. They're gang banging the female."

What?

It seems that the males often get to the river before the females and so when she does finally show up she is out numbered and is treated like, well, Jodie Foster's character in The Accused.

Look at them. Most of them aren't even near touching the female and, in every male case, they will release a spermatophore(load) that will rest on the ocean floor for the female to pick up with her cloaca(sewer). No penetration whatsoever. None. It's a gang bang of snugly hugs with a happy ending.

So fear not my little campers, it looks as though I was right in the end. These guys are like the care bears of sexual relations. It does seem important for me to note that they are poisonous to touch and eat, so maybe all these toxins are rubbing off on each other and they are all getting just a little too high. I say this only because, frankly, this just sounds like another giant ecstasy party to me.

Best damn back rub you'll ever have.

Two week old Artyom G, from Moscow, was born with two penises. His parents recently put him through the five hour life threatening surgery to form the two penises into one. This picture isn't of the parents, but it's who I would want on my side if I was going to be born with two penises.

I once saw a porno where this German guy supposedly had two penises and I always hoped it was real but now I know better. Now I know that if you are born with any removable deformity it is gone as soon as they can put you under the knife legally.

Will the parents tell the boy when he's old enough that they robbed him of being the coolest guy in the universe?

However, maybe both penises were really tiny and having a medium size penis is kinda better than two small penises, right? Plus, the article says one penis was on his lower back. Were there four balls too? I wonder. Now if it's a big dick on the back and a small one on the front I would probably give it some time before I would decide to remove it. Small back, big front, I would lose the back. But, big, big? Yeah, you keep that.

The history of the domestication of horses has had a breakthrough discovery. Archeologists have found signs that we bred and milked the animals 5500 years ago. A millennium earlier than previously thought.

I didn't even know they milked horses for human consumption. Apparently, there has been a popular alcoholic beverage consumed for centuries called Kumis, made from fermented horse milk. It is made like wine and consumed like beer in many cultures. I also read that horse milk is better for you nutritionally and most closely resembles human milk. It also won taste tests beating out cat, cow and dog milk.

I am at a loss, who taste tests these things? There is so much that I don't know about the world. What else have we milked?

Well, Google says a Goat mixed with a spider gene produces milk enhanced with a silk protein that is so strong they are using it to make bullet proof vests.
Genetics are making mad scientists dreams come true. What can we make have special powers next? Why aren't we genetically enhancing ourselves? I read that they can identify and eliminate the cancer gene in newborns. Screw that. We should inject them with some sort of special gamma rays that they emit and it kills anyone's cancer that stands near them. I would also really like night vision.

They could inject me with cat eyes and I could be all stealthy and ninja-like. I would jump down off the roof with my kangaroo legs and stop the potential robber in the dark. He'd be like, "whoa, where did you come from?", and I'd say, "hush, hush, little evil robber man. We're taking you to the pokey.", 'cause that's what coppers call jail.

In conclusion, I think I would try a little of this horse's milk. It's supposed to taste like hazelnut and be easier to digest than the cow's milk.

Okay. I will do it. In exchange I want to be updated daily on the advances we're making in genetically splicing adult dna with any animals. I might not be that picky about my special skills. I could get excited about something as simple as a little ant dna. I could lift so much stuff. Maybe start a moving business. You never know. You gotta be thinking on your feet here. The possibilities are endless.

I promise to use my powers only for good.

I'm not sure this lady knows how to milk a horse.

A builder working in London, at Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital, was fired after a security guard found him, "naked and on his knees with the smiling (vacuum) cleaner". The perpetrator told guards that he was actually cleaning his underwear. He said the way he was doing it was, "a common practice in Poland". Um, Okay? Stripping naked, at your job, and cleaning your underwear with the vacuum cleaner, is a common practice in Poland?

You know, you hear all these racist jokes about pollacks and you truly try to stay funny and stray away from common stereotypes, but these guys are great. Really, a bottomless well of comedy. Especially now in these hard times, what with Bush out of office and Britney is all "back on track", laughter is at an all time low. We really need to head on back to our roots and get back the true meaning of funny. Nice, honest, fear based bigotry.

Silly Pollack sticking your dick in a vacuum. Classic.

In a New York fertility clinic Dr. Jeffrey Steinberg predicts that, within 6 months, they will be featuring a service providing expectant parents with decisions on gender, eye color and hair color, among other physical traits. The genetic diagnosis procedure that scans the embryo has been used for years but primarily to insure against dangerous birth defects or disease. The doctor thinks they can predict up to 80% accurate results with the tests.

You know, I'll be frank, I didn't want kids mostly because I thought God would get me back for making fun of retards. I kept telling myself, "better safe than sorry". Now though, it looks like me and God are on more equal ground. I'm the one that gets to have the retard baby if I want it. One with green eyes and red hair, or the other way around, my choice now God. Maybe I knew a little Corky was coming and that was alright with me. But no, you had to throw this little fire into the ring and give me the option. Oh, you're good God, maybe too good.

So here we are in the middle of science against higher powers. How far have we come that we feel we need to control everything down to the likeness of our unborn children? Why must we play dice with mother nature again and again?

I think I'm going to stick with one of my original ideas and go the old fashioned way of determining which baby you get, adoption. I'm getting a darker one like Madonna's.
But, I'm not going to be all lame and name it David like her, jeez.
I think everyone knows to mark Batman Superman off their baby name lists.

91 Year old Grace Foster is fastest in her age bracket

This is 91 year old Grace Foster who just ran the 60 meter sprint in New Jersey. The article states that she, "shattered" the previous record in her 90-95 year old age bracket. That is because this is when most people take up dying, not track.

I think she has a brilliant idea. If you are not a good athlete now, just wait until everyone you know dies, and then you're the fastest. Tada!

This is a new awakening for me especially since I thought if I lived that long I would take up more recreational drugs like heroin and meth. I also planned on going back to smoking when I was 86, but not now, oh no. Now I have a future super human identity to look forward to. The fastest person in my age bracket. What more could you want?

Also, scientists found the gene that reproduces teeth so I don't have to stress about the eating through a straw thing anymore either. What a day.