I read that this Australian guy had his penis bitten off as he attempted to rape a raccoon. This picture above obviously has nothing to do with the incident but you get the idea of how slutty raccoons are to begin with, right?
I think it's unfair to just come out with the rape word, you know? That could scar a man for life and no one remembers you before you were the raccoon rapist. Trust me.

I, personally, am on the fence on this one.

For example, the 44 year old gentleman in question said to Moscow surgeons that he was drinking with friends, "When I saw the raccoon I thought I'd have some fun." Some "fun" ladies and gentlemen, now that doesn't sound like rape to me.
Besides, this man is 44, he is not a young impressionable youth who would not think about the consequences of his actions.

I say the raccoon wanted it. Out all night with no clothes on and all that mascara. Sashaying through the wilderness and just "happened" on to their drinking area?
The proof is here for me folks. Raccoons are the whores of the animal world, everybody knows that. She wanted it and took it as a little prize for her sick, sick collection.

Luckily, the surgeons have said, "He's been told they can get things working again but they can't sew back on what the raccoon bit off." i.e. because that bitch raccoon still has it in her possession.

Well, my thoughts are with him as well as his friend who said, "(There's a part of him) gone forever so there isn't going to be much for (the surgeons) to work with."
My advice to you, big guy, is to try the nickname "stumpy" so raccoon rapist doesn't stick. Yeah. That's what I'd do.

Good Luck Stumpy!!

Okay, this is more of a rant than informative to anyone so I apologize in advance. A friend of mine was really upset the other day and told me that she was going to cry. She told me. Going to.
What a load of crap. You either cry or you don't. By this comment she's telling me that she is in the middle of convincing herself to cry. And I am trying to convince myself not to hit her because that will make her cry.
Listen, I come from a big extended family. We don't cry a lot.
Because good lord help you if you display an ounce of weakness. They will tear you apart, limb from limb until your hard and callous and, um, I digress, that is another story.
If you cry in my family you are just looking for attention and if you say your going to cry, well, your just looking for an asswhoopin.
I believe that crying is a lot like masturbation. It's something you do alone, late at night, in your room, by yourself.
Or in the shower.
Nuff said.

My friend that I, er, enjoy a lie down with? Is out of town. We do this a lot. It seems that we are never in the same place at the same time. However, we love each other very much and are each very loyal. We find challenging and different ways to express our love. To say that skype has given me a thorough examination is an understatement.
You know where I am going with this people.
Can someone please invent porn wii? I know the technology is out there. I have seen the light at the end of my celibate struggle. I have weathered the sim storm. I want the future and I want it now.
Do it for our troops stationed far away from their partners. I'm pleading with you, let them stick their dick in a wii in Baghdad and let it enter their wives in Minnesota.
Do it for your country.

I have been watching the MMA a lot lately. I am a huge fan. But what is up with the Jesus didn't tap t-shirts? They have him shadowed in an arm bar? I'm not very religious or anything. I am certainly not very christian but I have to say something.

I think Jesus did tap. Quite frankly when your hoisted up like that and nailed it really ends up just looking like one hand clapping and no one's going to notice that for sure.

Also, I think if he were real and alive today, he could get out of that arm bar.

I just want to say that I was going to write a little blurb about fartleking, which is a great exercise. A little running, a little slow jog, and then bam! A sprint. It's a great funny word too which makes you giggle the whole time your running.
However, this is the pic that comes up if you google the word. Well, that and a naked big black woman hugging a man in pj's in the shower. Look it up, I swear.
What I want to know is why would this person do this to themselves? I mean he's kinda big but huge? C'mon mister give yourself a chance. Plus bears are all the rage these days and no one wants a bear with low self esteem. Also, drop the please. You have to be assertive. Say it with pride, go ahead, rape my face.
Anyhoo, fartleking is great you should try it.

Maybe I'm too young for this but were bear skinned rugs really that cool? Do you think this guy slaughtered this beast and then to show his great strength over the animal laid on it naked as the final insult?
Note: He does have the mile long mustache that you would need to twirl maniacally.

First and foremost for me I want this to be a forum for honesty. So I have a little confession to make so we can clear the air and get off on a good foot. When I was younger I hit my pet lizard with a shovel and buried him alive.
Now hear me out, I thought he was dead. He wasn't moving in his tank for a very long time, weeks. I tried to hand feed him crickets and he had horrible mouth rot that no amount of medicine from the vet was fixing. But it all seemed lost. So after he looked gray and his mouth was so gross (and I had two other agamas in the tank with him) and he hadn't moved in, like I said, weeks. I took him out of the tank to give him a proper burial.
We plotted a little ground in the backyard so we could mourn him properly. We didn't use a box or anything because we wanted him to biodegrade easily. Just as we were about to put the final dirt over him his eyes opened like a crazy horror movie. I screamed.
My friend who was helping me bury him looked at me with the same panic. What do we do? Let him slowly die longer?
That's when we decided to euthanize Senor Vasco agama. I loved him and I killed him. Goodbye forever Vasco.

Also, don't write me that he was hibernating, I feel guilty enough I don't need that hanging over my head. I never had the temperature drop below 60 and he was only in captivity for a year.

Sorry, where were we?
Anyway, I feel like we've grown closer already. High fives all around. Whew.

This post is in memory of Vasco Agama.
Note: The writer no longer owns lizards.

Greetings world.
This blog is intended for anyone who sees reality as a place to avoid and ignore as much as possible. I am a writer/ master procrastinator who can't keep my opinions to myself. The times they are a changin.
We have a new president, Oprah, who tells me that racism and heartbreak are at an end. God bless that woman. I would not know what to read if she did not have a staff of people to tell me.
I wish they could tell me where to get my hands on some of her money. Hopefully someday she will sexually harass me and her fortune will be mine. Until that day, I promise you world, i will seduce the crap out of her with my sluttiest Gail attire.