Big breasts, poker stars and wrinkles

I am blogging under protest. I have been under watch for not using enough "keywords" and I am only writing to maximize my search engine optimization. Guaranteed good times.
I am seriously going to play some poker tournaments (key words) these next few weeks. I have a success (keyword, you can guess the rest) route that I am experimenting with and will keep you all posted. The diet I am on is a home-run, touchdown all the way, boobs to the wall, ankles in the air, grand slam, Kentucky Derby, high noon shoot-out. Boob, big boobs.

I don't have big boobs. I had a friend once tell me that I couldn't be in Playboy, but I could do Hustler. He said, "don't worry about it, cuz there's a lot of freaks out there that like small boobs."

Good. Great, I'm glad that I can still get a job even with my freak loving boobs. I suppose they could just put me in a cage in the corner with a bag over my head as I yell, "I am not an animal.", for tips.
Still, I wonder how much Hustler pays? It doesn't seem like a lot, those girls are, well, I'm saying $50 tops.

Alright, I strayed, where were we? Oh yeah, they certainly aren't dating Jim Carey or Chris Angel anytime soon. Or worrying about the economy. The job market, swine flu. Hemorrhoids.

That last one isn't a keyword, but that's how I feel right now. Oh, wait it is a pretty popular search. Especially for using hemorrhoid cream on your face. Please let me know if this is true, I am ridiculously curious. Cures wrinkles? Do they have one that doesn't remind me of my ass smell? That's important before I spread it on my face. Then it's just the self ridicule of ass face until I find another keyword that preys on people's fears and weaknesses. Like religion.

Until next time, my little new born babies full of cute cuddly goodness.

pervert

A co-worker informed me yesterday, in confidence, that she recently broke up with her boyfriend of two months. This woman had previously been single for two years. No one night stands, no hook-ups, no nookie. She has many cats, reads romance novels and wears a blue tooth all the time. I am not poking fun I am merely speaking truths. She explained to me that the reason for her untimely break up came because of the fact that when she changed from her day clothes into her P.J's he looked at her too perversely. No joke, word for word.

My first point of contention with what she said is why is she wearing pajamas at all in this stage of the relationship? Presumably you are dating this person because you are sexually attracted to them and want to lay on them naked to see what happens. Secondly, the whole reason we get a partner is to have someone else to be perverted with.

I suppose she had expected a true gentleman who would step out of the room while she undressed and then slip a love letter under the door expressing his desire to carry her to his waiting chariot. Silly girl. At 37 years old you should know better.

Let me say this, with utmost conviction, all men are perverts. You will never find a guy that is without a perversion, without a deep down sick, sick fetish that would make you want go to church and plead for his demented little soul. I don't care if they are 10 years old or 100 they want to touch the boobies. They will try to put their penis wherever you let them. Intellect does not cure them of this desire no more than social status. Lest we forget our own past presidents slides to the dark side.

We are monkeys with things. We have a past that we remember ourselves in and a future we hope were in. We force these fantasies on people hoping that our "dreams" will come true, ignoring the possibility that this other monkey may have dreams too.
What really makes me sad is that she doesn't realize how perverted her fantasy is to most people. She wants normal love and devotion, yes, but what about the wall of chastity? Sex will keep you from being a bitch. It will bond you with your partner on a daily (maybe more) basis. It doesn't have to be just about sex but, c'mon, if your naked and he doesn't look at you perversely? That's when you have a problem.

We can deal with the blue tooth headset another time.