Cows are the new China. The great big elephant in the room that no one really wants to talk about. Yet here we are. I have theorized for years that we have dumbed down what very well may be a species that had the potential to evolve into something smarter. The potential to be revered just as we do the dolphin. In fact they are similar in many ways. I'm not kidding. The journal of molecular evolution has said, "There is a general tendency throughout the sequenced regions for greater similarity between dolphin and bovine mt genomes than between dolphin and rodent or human mt genomes." However, we have not treated Dolphins the way we have cows. True, that the cow does not have to worry about the stray fisherman harpoon or net, or even the hungry shark lurking for food, but, we most certainly have restrained any Darwinian hope for a great future for these poor creatures with our love of the charbroiled quarter pounder.
Or have we? In March there was a report of an escape cow who had been on the lamb (couldn't help it) for nine months. Consequently, she tugged on the heart strings of activists who embraced her refugee status and she now lives in an animal sanctuary that is far different from the slaughterhouse where she strayed. Also, just yesterday Reuters reported another cow escape in New York from a similar slaughterhouse. This cow took to the streets before being caught by mounted police. Once again, this cow will be saved from death by a animal care agency.
So here we have a secret loophole for our oppressive past. We have offered up a way for the smartest of the cows to survive. Thus, propelling their genetic offspring further into a land of cow intellect. We are sending them light years into the future, perhaps making up for the neglect and poor foresight we had before. I mean imagine if someone started weeding our stupidity away and left us only to propagate with the smartest, fittest in the land? No more Lasik, no more frat boys, not one Hum-v to be found.
Oh wait, it seems that these cows won't have a stud rearing service. They are the only cows in their respective shelters. The one cow who was believed to have run away looking for her calf was never reunited and the calf is presumably in my fridge right now. I think that by saving them from immediate death will only give them time to think and postulate on their missing companions. Who knows what revenge the two will come up with in their mad filled rage? They are the smart ones, we recognize this but not well enough. These cows are evil. God help us if they ever meet in what will now be their long, long lives. They escaped from a place run by humans who were trying to kill them. What chance do you think we have at restraining them with poor, weak vegetarians?
What if they are some secret species from another planet just waiting for us to release our thumb hold? What if we have prevented total world domination up until this point? What if Peta was started by a cow? These are all questions that I want the media to explain to me. In all their journalistic attempts to cover this story they never went down this road did they? Because that's what the cows want them to do. Go on, get out there. Win your Pulitzer. This story is bigger than all of us.
Me-3 Cow-2
