The loss of a loved one

This is a dead lizard (well it was dying when this picture was taken). This is not my fault. We all know that I have had to euthanize animals in the past, but this time I am innocent. I am staying at yet another friends house while I see saw between where I would like to live. I am once again in the land of cats. The picture above is what the indoor cat caught and killed for me. I know that the lizard was a gift to me only because I tried to throw it away twice and both times it ended up on the same spot that she killed the reptile, right next to my luggage. She is a lovable cat if not slightly demanding for attention, Ahhh! Holy crap, she just attacked me as I wrote that last sentence. I think my upper back is bleeding. Jesus, that hurts. She hates the outdoors and will sit for hours on the front step and watch. The furthest she has ever ventured from that stoop is to retrieve this lizard and put it back on my clothes.

I think it's a death threat. I think she thinks she could take me if it came fist to paw. I think she keeps bringing the dead reptile to me as a, "yeah that could have been you" scenario. Am I crazy? She is awfully nice and cuddly until you turn your back and bam! she is claws in, eating your hair. Maybe she has something to hide? It's all just a game to her, leading me on, making me think she doesn't go outside. Maybe it's because what she has to protect is inside. Some sort of kitty underground that she can't let out of the bag. She does play dumb a lot. She has this paper fetish that is unreasonable. You can't have one wire in the house without her chewing through. So many distracting tendencies for there to be nothing to hide.

Anyway, I will keep my eyes open. I have to, I still don't know where the lizard's tail went, you can see in the picture it was either bitten off or the lizard used its natural defense and shed the tail. No matter, I hope the cat ate it, I hate to think of the wake-up call with that on my pillow.

Big breasts, poker stars and wrinkles

I am blogging under protest. I have been under watch for not using enough "keywords" and I am only writing to maximize my search engine optimization. Guaranteed good times.
I am seriously going to play some poker tournaments (key words) these next few weeks. I have a success (keyword, you can guess the rest) route that I am experimenting with and will keep you all posted. The diet I am on is a home-run, touchdown all the way, boobs to the wall, ankles in the air, grand slam, Kentucky Derby, high noon shoot-out. Boob, big boobs.

I don't have big boobs. I had a friend once tell me that I couldn't be in Playboy, but I could do Hustler. He said, "don't worry about it, cuz there's a lot of freaks out there that like small boobs."

Good. Great, I'm glad that I can still get a job even with my freak loving boobs. I suppose they could just put me in a cage in the corner with a bag over my head as I yell, "I am not an animal.", for tips.
Still, I wonder how much Hustler pays? It doesn't seem like a lot, those girls are, well, I'm saying $50 tops.

Alright, I strayed, where were we? Oh yeah, they certainly aren't dating Jim Carey or Chris Angel anytime soon. Or worrying about the economy. The job market, swine flu. Hemorrhoids.

That last one isn't a keyword, but that's how I feel right now. Oh, wait it is a pretty popular search. Especially for using hemorrhoid cream on your face. Please let me know if this is true, I am ridiculously curious. Cures wrinkles? Do they have one that doesn't remind me of my ass smell? That's important before I spread it on my face. Then it's just the self ridicule of ass face until I find another keyword that preys on people's fears and weaknesses. Like religion.

Until next time, my little new born babies full of cute cuddly goodness.

Why banana Slugs? Why?

It never occurs to me when I look at a species to try and understand how they have sex. I just assume they sleep in nice twin beds carefully separated by a tasteful bit of furniture, perhaps a night stand. I usually am just joyous to be out and about stumbling through Mother Nature, looking for small windows into her beautiful Eden. But, oh no, when you least expect it, she just comes right back with a filthy slap to the face. Like here we have the Banana Slug, school mascot, beloved yellow symbol of UC Santa Cruz, hermaphroditic tantra sex fiend.

The Banana Slug is, like most slugs, a hermaphrodite. The slug will, though prefers not to, have sex with itself if no other slugs are present. The slug then inseminates itself and can even produce a sterile offspring. Otherwise, the slugs reproduce all year round. They find each other by passing through another slugs mucus trail and then begin the hours long mating dance. They believe that the long dance and subsequent tantric mating ritual is to protect and prevent inner breeding between slug-kind. The slugs then alternate inseminating each other, sometimes the passion is so great that the slug will gnaw the genitalia off the other slug and eat the male right off of his mate.

Look if you dare http://bio.research.ucsc.edu/grad/weaver/animations/penischewing.mov.
In the above video the banana slug goes on to eat not only his mates penis but also his own. The grad student stated that the slugs just went on to normal activity right after the event.

In conclusion, this completes my thesis on which sexual organ you would pick if you were given both at birth. You would use it once and then eat your penis. Frankly, I'm shocked at the answer too. Who knew? I would have placed serious odds on the penis going all the way, but no. It's just one of those life long questions you never thought would be answered. I feel like a weight has been lifted. Whew.
I feel compelled to note that the penis is at the head of the animal and so are its lung and anus. You'd think the poor thing probably wrecks itself trying to put the over sized penis in those holes first and then exasperated looks elsewhere. Their sex can last for over a day. Imagine how long it took before it realized it couldn't screw itself in the head first. I think its only so long before you finally feed the giant penis' baffling hunger and decide it really isn't worth carrying around.

I'm also now really creeped out by their mucus, more than usual.

cow escapes

Cows are the new China. The great big elephant in the room that no one really wants to talk about. Yet here we are. I have theorized for years that we have dumbed down what very well may be a species that had the potential to evolve into something smarter. The potential to be revered just as we do the dolphin. In fact they are similar in many ways. I'm not kidding. The journal of molecular evolution has said, "There is a general tendency throughout the sequenced regions for greater similarity between dolphin and bovine mt genomes than between dolphin and rodent or human mt genomes." However, we have not treated Dolphins the way we have cows. True, that the cow does not have to worry about the stray fisherman harpoon or net, or even the hungry shark lurking for food, but, we most certainly have restrained any Darwinian hope for a great future for these poor creatures with our love of the charbroiled quarter pounder.

Or have we? In March there was a report of an escape cow who had been on the lamb (couldn't help it) for nine months. Consequently, she tugged on the heart strings of activists who embraced her refugee status and she now lives in an animal sanctuary that is far different from the slaughterhouse where she strayed. Also, just yesterday Reuters reported another cow escape in New York from a similar slaughterhouse. This cow took to the streets before being caught by mounted police. Once again, this cow will be saved from death by a animal care agency.

So here we have a secret loophole for our oppressive past. We have offered up a way for the smartest of the cows to survive. Thus, propelling their genetic offspring further into a land of cow intellect. We are sending them light years into the future, perhaps making up for the neglect and poor foresight we had before. I mean imagine if someone started weeding our stupidity away and left us only to propagate with the smartest, fittest in the land? No more Lasik, no more frat boys, not one Hum-v to be found.

Oh wait, it seems that these cows won't have a stud rearing service. They are the only cows in their respective shelters. The one cow who was believed to have run away looking for her calf was never reunited and the calf is presumably in my fridge right now. I think that by saving them from immediate death will only give them time to think and postulate on their missing companions. Who knows what revenge the two will come up with in their mad filled rage? They are the smart ones, we recognize this but not well enough. These cows are evil. God help us if they ever meet in what will now be their long, long lives. They escaped from a place run by humans who were trying to kill them. What chance do you think we have at restraining them with poor, weak vegetarians?

What if they are some secret species from another planet just waiting for us to release our thumb hold? What if we have prevented total world domination up until this point? What if Peta was started by a cow? These are all questions that I want the media to explain to me. In all their journalistic attempts to cover this story they never went down this road did they? Because that's what the cows want them to do. Go on, get out there. Win your Pulitzer. This story is bigger than all of us.

Me-3 Cow-2

pervert

A co-worker informed me yesterday, in confidence, that she recently broke up with her boyfriend of two months. This woman had previously been single for two years. No one night stands, no hook-ups, no nookie. She has many cats, reads romance novels and wears a blue tooth all the time. I am not poking fun I am merely speaking truths. She explained to me that the reason for her untimely break up came because of the fact that when she changed from her day clothes into her P.J's he looked at her too perversely. No joke, word for word.

My first point of contention with what she said is why is she wearing pajamas at all in this stage of the relationship? Presumably you are dating this person because you are sexually attracted to them and want to lay on them naked to see what happens. Secondly, the whole reason we get a partner is to have someone else to be perverted with.

I suppose she had expected a true gentleman who would step out of the room while she undressed and then slip a love letter under the door expressing his desire to carry her to his waiting chariot. Silly girl. At 37 years old you should know better.

Let me say this, with utmost conviction, all men are perverts. You will never find a guy that is without a perversion, without a deep down sick, sick fetish that would make you want go to church and plead for his demented little soul. I don't care if they are 10 years old or 100 they want to touch the boobies. They will try to put their penis wherever you let them. Intellect does not cure them of this desire no more than social status. Lest we forget our own past presidents slides to the dark side.

We are monkeys with things. We have a past that we remember ourselves in and a future we hope were in. We force these fantasies on people hoping that our "dreams" will come true, ignoring the possibility that this other monkey may have dreams too.
What really makes me sad is that she doesn't realize how perverted her fantasy is to most people. She wants normal love and devotion, yes, but what about the wall of chastity? Sex will keep you from being a bitch. It will bond you with your partner on a daily (maybe more) basis. It doesn't have to be just about sex but, c'mon, if your naked and he doesn't look at you perversely? That's when you have a problem.

We can deal with the blue tooth headset another time.

new creature discovered

This is my favorite picture that I took while on my month long adventure. It was taken just as we entered the Trinity River to go fishing in Grey Falls. There are spectacular little hikes that take you down to the water. While passing through I got a glimpse of a small green tree frog hanging under a branch. I grabbed my camera and quickly turned it on only to see the frog leap just out of sight. Defeated, I looked around hoping to catch another glimpse for posterity and saw the above image out of the corner of my eye. Thinking to myself that I would not make the same mistake again I was determined to outsmart the creature and record my victory this time.

My approach was slow, I had already lost my first prey, I held my breath and became excited to see that the thing hadn't seen me yet and my stealthy behavior was working. "I am a ninja", I thought. It wasn't until I had gotten three pictures in and realized that the creature wasn't moving at all, so I decided to get a closer look. I made more noise and moved in. It was motionless. This is when I discovered that I had successfully stalked and filmed a piece of poo.

I think it's a dog's.

I'm an idiot. At least now I have photographic proof.